CH 2: Blank

Blank

My face was blank; it contained no emotion whatsoever, no sorrow, no pain. I felt nothing, no sadness, no regret, but at the same time, no joy. Compared to the feelings that I had felt before, this was heaven. The pain, the excruciating mental and emotional pain that I had felt before was a fresh memory in my mind—however, I felt detached from those memories. I felt, I felt somehow, still. This stillness however, was not a ‘calm’ either. My heart was in a rage, and yet, I felt nothing as if my feelings had flown away stolen by the drifting wind. Nothing came to my mind as I walked blankly on, away from my house, away. With every step, I felt more and more detached to the events that had just occurred. The moment that I had left the door, I was already different, and yet now, something else had changed. Something more. It felt like as I got farther from my house, I was getting further from what made me human, from my feelings, and from my heart. I had probably died there in that house—my soul, my feelings had probably left me, and yet something engrained in my body was telling me to live on.

A dark black robe encompassed my body, hiding my figure; a hood hid my emotionless face. My small dark figure was unnoticeable in the little light that there was. The sun was setting, and with it, the sky grew darker. Suddenly, I felt something. A desire—a wish, something that would mean being alive, and yet when I pondered the feeling that I felt, I realized it was only hunger. My body was alive and yearned for food, and yet my soul was not present. I felt nothing; I was blank.

I needed something to eat. It was as simple as that. The hood helped in concealing me—but also broke my peripheral vision. I shook my head from side to side, looking for a source of food. The instincts were already somehow engrained in my mind, the actions well known as if it was already a regular pattern. I did not understand, but at the same time, I did not care. To my left, near a wall was a man. The man had a stand, and a certain scent was attracting me. It was meat. The man seemed to be decently old. He was slender, and fairly weak. It seemed that the man was cleaning up as the day was now over. There were not many people around, so I moved towards the man. I moved slowly to not alert the man, and somewhat naturally, in hopes to look like a very young customer. As I approached the man noticed, and looked towards me. “Oh? Do you need something?” The man said the words. It seemed things were going according to plan. I removed my hood, and pretended to be a shy young man, speaking very softly.

“U-uhm…” I murmured the words quietly, just so he could hear it.

“What was that?” The man asked me, bending down closer to listen. I then gestured for the man to move in closer. As he did, I moved my left hand behind him and pushed him towards me with the little strength that I had. I then took my right arm. Extending it downwards, I flipped a switch, allowing a retractable blade to come out of a compartment attached to my right wrist. Then, pulling the man in as if for a hug, I launched my right arm at his stomach, pushing the blade in. My strength alone would not have been enough, but I had lured the man in to my embrace, and then made my move. It was quite smart—somewhat cruel, but I no longer cared.

As the instructions in my mind had told me, I had stabbed the man at a certain pressure point within his abdomen below the rib cage. Provided the blade reached far enough, the man should have died. Though the tactic had left me in an awkward position, there had been no one to witness the act, as it was late at night. I was safe. While you may say the death was unnecessary, I felt nothing. No guilt, no sadness, no remorse and no joy. I had literally become blank, void of emotion.  Drawing the blade out, I felt a drip of rain land on my cheek. I nearly jumped, thinking that it was a tear. When I realized that it wasn’t, I dragged the man’s body to a dump and took the meat from the man’s stand and left. I then left the dark cold rain to wash up my dirty work. I am blank.

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